Pig and Pepper (Alice in Wonderland (Full Cast))

01Chapter VI.

02Pig and Pepper.

03For a minute or two she stood looking at the house and wondering what to do next, when suddenly a footman in livery came running out of the wood.

04She considered him to be a footman because he was in livery.

05Otherwise, judging by his face only, she would have called him a fish.

06And rapped loudly at the door with his knuckles.

07It was opened by another footman in livery, with a round face and large eyes like a frog, and both footmen, Alice noticed, had powdered hair that curled all over their heads.

08She felt very curious to know what it was all about, and crept a little way out of the wood to listen.

09The fish footman began by producing from under his arm a great letter, nearly as large as himself, and this he handed over to the other, saying in a solemn tone, For the Duchess.

10An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.

11The frog footman repeated in the same solemn tone, only changing the order of the words a little.

12From the Queen.

13An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.

14Then they both bowed low, and their curls got entangled together.

15Alice laughed so much at this that she had to run back into the wood for fear of their hearing her, and when she next peeped out, the fish footman was gone, and the other was sitting on the ground near the door, staring stupidly up into the sky.

16Alice went timidly up to the door and knocked.

17There's no sort of use in knocking, said the footman, and that for two reasons.

18First, because I'm on the same side of the door as you are.

19Secondly, because they're making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you.

20And certainly there was a most extraordinary noise going on within, a constant howling and sneezing, and every now and then a great crash, as if a dish or kettle had been broken to pieces.

21Please, then, said Alice.

22How am I to get in?

23There might be some sense in your knocking.

24The footman went on without attending to her.

25If we had the door between us, for instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and I could let you out, you know.

26He was looking up into the sky all the time he was speaking, and this Alice thought decidedly uncivil.

27But perhaps he can't help it, she said to herself.

28His eyes are so very nearly at the top of his head.

29But at any rate, he might answer questions.

30How am I to get in?

31she repeated aloud.

32I shall sit here, the footman remarked.

33Till tomorrow.

34At this moment the door of the house opened, and a large plate came skimming out straight at the footman's head.

35It just grazed his nose and broke to pieces against one of the trees behind him.

36Or next day, maybe.

37The footman continued in the same tone, exactly as if nothing had happened.

38How am I to get in?

39asked Alice again in a louder tone.

40Are you to get in at all?

41said the footman.

42That's the first question, you know.

43It was, no doubt.

44Only Alice did not like to be told so.

45It's really dreadful, she muttered to herself.

46The way all the creatures argue.

47It's enough to drive one crazy.

48The footman seemed to think this a good opportunity for repeating his remark with variations.

49I shall sit here, he said, on and off for days and days.

50But what am I to do?

51said Alice.

52Anything you like, said the footman, and began whistling.

53Oh, there's no use in talking to him, said Alice desperately.

54He's perfectly idiotic.

55And she opened the door and went in.

56The door led right into a large kitchen, which was full of smoke from one end to the other.

57The Duchess was sitting on a three-legged stool in the middle, nursing a baby.

58The cook was leaning over the fire, stirring a large cauldron, which seemed to be full of soup.

59There's certainly too much pepper in that soup, Alice said to herself, as well as she could, for sneezing.

60There was certainly too much of it in the air.

61Even the Duchess sneezed occasionally.

62And as for the baby, it was sneezing and howling alternately, without a moment's pause.

63Choo!

64Choo!

65Choo!

66Choo!

67Choo!

68Choo!

69Choo!

70Choo!

71Choo!

72Choo!

73The only things in the kitchen that did not sneeze were the cook and a large cat which was sitting on the hearth and grinning from ear to ear.

74Please, would you tell me?

75Choo!

76said Alice, a little timidly, for she was not quite sure whether it was good manners for her to speak first.

77Why your cat grins like that.

78Choo!

79It's a Cheshire cat, said the Duchess.

80And that's why.

81Pig!

82She said the last word with such sudden violence that Alice quite jumped.

83But she saw in another moment that it was addressed to the baby and not to her.

84So she took courage and went on again.

85I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned.

86In fact, I didn't know that cats could grin.

87Choo!

88They all can!

89said the Duchess.

90And most of them do!

91Choo!

92I don't know of any that do.

93Alice said very politely, feeling quite pleased to have got into a conversation.

94You don't know much!

95said the Duchess.

96And that's a fact!

97Choo!

98Alice did not at all like the tone of this remark, and thought it would be as well to introduce some other subject of conversation.

99While she was trying to fix on one, the cook took the cauldron of soup off the fire, and at once set to work throwing everything within her reach at the Duchess and the baby.

100The fire-irons came first, then followed a shower of saucepans, plates, and dishes.

101The Duchess took no notice of them even when they hit her, and the baby was howling so much already that it was quite impossible to say whether the blows hurt it or not.

102Oh, please mind what you're doing!

103cried Alice, jumping up and down in an agony of terror.

104Oh, there goes his precious nose!

105as an unusually large saucepan flew close by it and very nearly carried it off.

106If everybody minded their own business!

107the Duchess said in a hoarse growl.

108The world would go round a deal faster than it does.

109Which would not be an advantage, said Alice, who felt very glad to get an opportunity of showing off a little of her knowledge.

110Just think of what work it would make with the day and night.

111You see, the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis.

112Talking of axes!

113said the Duchess.

114Chop off her head!

115Achoo!

116Alice glanced rather anxiously at the cook to see if she meant to take the hint, but the cook was busily stirring the soup and seemed not to be listening.

117So she went on again.

118Twenty-four hours, I think.

119Or is it twelve?

120Oh, don't bother me!

121said the Duchess.

122I never could abide, figures.

123And with that she began nursing her child again, singing a sort of lullaby to it as she did so, and giving it a violent shake at the end of every line.

124Achoo!

125Speak roughly to your little boy and beat him when he sneezes.

126He only does it to annoy because he knows it teases.

127Wow, wow, wow!

128Wow, wow!

129While the Duchess sang the second verse of the song, she kept tossing the baby violently up and down, and the poor little thing howled so that Alice could hardly hear the words.

130Wow, wow, wow!

131I speak severely to my boy.

132I beat him when he sneezes.

133For he can thoroughly enjoy the pepper when he pleases.

134Wow, wow, wow!

135Wow, wow!

136Wow, wow!

137Here.

138You may nurse it a bit if you like.

139The Duchess said to Alice, flinging the baby at her as she spoke.

140I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen.

141Achoo!

142And she hurried out of the room.

143The cook threw a frying pan after her as she went out, but it just missed her.

144Alice caught the baby with some difficulty, as it was a queer-shaped little creature and held out its arms and legs in all directions.

145Just like a starfish, thought Alice.

146The poor little thing was snorting like a steam-engine when she caught it, and kept doubling itself up and straightening itself out again, so that altogether, for the first minute or two, it was as much as she could do to hold it.

147As soon as she had made out the proper way of nursing it, which was to twist it up into a sort of knot and then keep tight hold of its right ear and left foot so as to prevent its undoing itself, she carried it out into the open air.

148If I don't take this child away with me, thought Alice, they're sure to kill it in a day or two.

149Wouldn't it be murder to leave it behind?

150She said the last words out loud, and the little thing grunted in reply.

151It had left off sneezing by this time.

152Don't grunt, said Alice.

153That's not at all a proper way of expressing yourself.

154The baby grunted again, and Alice looked very anxiously into its face to see what was the matter with it.

155There could be no doubt that it had a very turn-up nose, much more like a snout than a real nose.

156Also its eyes were getting extremely small for a baby.

157Altogether Alice did not like the look of the thing at all.

158But perhaps it was only sobbing, she thought, and looked into its eyes again to see if there were any tears.

159No, there were no tears.

160If you're going to turn into a pig, my dear, said Alice seriously, I'll have nothing more to do with you.

161Mind now.

162The poor little thing sobbed again, or grunted.

163It was impossible to say which.

164Alice was just beginning to think to herself.

165Now, what am I to do with this creature when I get it home?

166When it grunted again, so violently that she looked down into its face in some alarm.

167This time there could be no mistake about it.

168It was neither more nor less than a pig.

169And she felt that it would be quite absurd for her to carry it further.

170So she set the little creature down and felt quite relieved to see it trot away quietly into the wood.

171If it had grown up, she said to herself, it would have made a dreadfully ugly child.

172But it makes a rather handsome pig, I think.

173And she began thinking over other children she knew who might do very well as pigs, and was just saying to herself, If one only knew the right way to change them.

174When she was a little startled by seeing the Cheshire cat sitting on the bough of a tree a few yards off.

175The cat only grinned when it saw Alice.

176It looked good-natured, she thought.

177Still it had very long claws, and a great many teeth, so she felt that it ought to be treated with respect.

178Cheshirepuss.

179She began rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name.

180However, it only grinned a little wider.

181Come, it's pleased so far, thought Alice, and she went on.

182Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

183That depends a good deal on where you want to get to, said the cat.

184I don't much care where, said Alice.

185Then it doesn't matter which way you go, said the cat.

186So long as I get somewhere, Alice added as an explanation.

187Oh, you're sure to do that, said the cat.

188If you only walk long enough.

189Alice felt that this could not be denied, so she tried another question.

190What sort of people live about here?

191In that direction, the cat said, waving its right paw round, lives a hatter.

192And in that direction, waving the other paw, lives a march hare.

193Is it either you like?

194They're both mad.

195But I don't want to go among mad people, Alice remarked.

196You can't help that, said the cat.

197We're all mad here.

198I'm mad.

199You're mad.

200How do you know I'm mad?

201Said Alice.

202You must be, said the cat.

203Or you wouldn't have come here.

204Alice didn't think that proved it at all.

205However, she went on.

206And how do you know that you're mad?

207To begin with, said the cat.

208A dog's not mad.

209You grant that.

210I suppose so, said Alice.

211Well, then.

212The cat went on.

213You see, a dog growls when it's angry and wags its tail when it's pleased.

214Now I growl when I'm pleased and wag my tail when I'm angry.

215Therefore, I'm mad.

216I call it purring, not growling, said Alice.

217Call it what you like, said the cat.

218Do you play croquet with the Queen to-day?

219I should like it very much, said Alice.

220But I haven't been invited yet.

221You'll see me there, said the cat, and vanished.

222Alice was not much surprised at this.

223She was getting so used to queer things happening.

224While she was looking at the place where it had been, it suddenly appeared again.

225By the by, what became of the baby?

226Said the cat.

227I'd nearly forgotten to ask.

228It turned into a pig.

229Alice quietly said, just as if it had come back in a natural way.

230I thought it would, said the cat, and vanished again.

231Alice waited a little, half expecting to see it again, but it did not appear, and after a minute or two she walked on in the direction in which the March Hare was said to live.

232I've seen Hatters before, she said to herself.

233The March Hare will be much the most interesting, and perhaps, as this is May, it won't be raving mad.

234At least not so mad as it was in March.

235As she said this, she looked up, and there was the cat again, sitting on a branch of a tree.

236Did you say pig or fig?

237Said the cat.

238I said pig.

239Replied Alice.

240And I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly.

241You make one quite giddy.

242All right.

243Said the cat, and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin which remained some time after the rest of it had gone.

244Well, I've often seen a cat without a grin, thought Alice.

245But a grin without a cat?

246It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life.

247She had not gone much farther before she came inside of the house of the March Hare.

248She thought it must be the right house, because the chimneys were shaped like ears, and the roof was thatched with fur.

249It was so large a house that she did not like to go nearer, till she had nibbled some more of the left-hand bit of mushroom and raised herself to about two feet high.

250Even then she walked up towards it rather timidly, saying to herself, Suppose it should be raving mad after all.

251I almost wish I'd gone to see the Hatter instead.

252End of chapter 6 End of chapter 6