The Mock Turtle's Story (Alice in Wonderland (Full Cast))

01CHAPTER IX.

02THE Mocked Turtles Story.

03You can't think how glad I am to see you again, you dear old thing, said the Duchess, as she tucked her arm affectionately into Alice's, and they walked off together.

04Alice was very glad to find her in such a pleasant temper, and thought to herself that perhaps it was only the pepper that had made her so savage when they met in the kitchen.

05When I'm a Duchess, she said to herself, not in a very hopeful tone, though, I won't have any pepper in my kitchen at all.

06Soup does very well without.

07Maybe it's always pepper that makes people hot-tempered.

08She went on, very much pleased at having found out a new kind of rule.

09And vinegar that makes them sour, and chamomile that makes them bitter, and...

10and barley-sugar and such things that make children sweet-tempered.

11I only wish people knew that.

12Then they wouldn't be so stingy about it, you know.

13She had quite forgotten the Duchess by this time, and was a little startled when she heard her voice close to her ear.

14You're thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk.

15I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember it in a bit.

16Perhaps it hasn't one.

17Alice ventured to remark.

18Tut-tut, child!

19said the Duchess.

20Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.

21And she squeezed herself up closer to Alice's side as she spoke.

22Alice did not much like keeping so close to her, first because the Duchess was very ugly, and secondly because she was exactly the right height to rest her chin upon Alice's shoulder, and it was an uncomfortably sharp chin.

23However, she did not like to be rude, so she bore it as well as she could.

24The game's going on rather better now, she said, by way of keeping up the conversation a little.

25Tis so!

26said the Duchess.

27And the moral of that is, oh, tis love, tis love that makes the world go round!

28Somebody said, Alice whispered, that it's done by everybody minding their own business.

29Ah, well, it means much the same thing!

30said the Duchess, digging her sharp little chin into Alice's shoulder as she added, and the moral of that is, take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves.

31How fond she is of finding morals in things!

32Alice thought to herself.

33I dare say you're wondering why I don't put my arm round your waist!

34The Duchess said after a pause.

35The reason is that I'm doubtful about the temper of your flamingo.

36Shall I try the experiment?

37He might bite.

38Alice cautiously replied, not feeling at all anxious to have the experiment tried.

39Very true!

40said the Duchess.

41Flamingos and mustard both bite.

42And the moral of that is, birds of a feather flock together.

43Only mustard isn't a bird.

44Alice remarked.

45Right as usual!

46said the Duchess.

47What a clear way you have of putting things!

48It's a mineral, I think.

49said Alice.

50Of course it is!

51said the Duchess, who seemed ready to agree to everything that Alice said.

52There's a large mustard mine near here.

53And the moral of that is, the more there is of mine, the less there is of yours.

54Oh, I know!

55exclaimed Alice, who had not attended to this last remark.

56It's a vegetable.

57It doesn't look like one, but it is.

58I quite agree with you.

59Said the Duchess.

60And the moral of that is, be what you would seem to be, or, if you'd like to put it more simply, never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.

61I think I should understand that better.

62Alice said very politely.

63If I had it written down.

64But I can't quite follow it as you say it.

65That's nothing to what I could say if I chose.

66The Duchess replied in a pleased tone.

67Pray don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than that.

68Said Alice.

69Oh, don't talk about trouble.

70Said the Duchess.

71I make you a present of everything I've said as yet.

72A cheap sort of present.

73Thought Alice.

74I'm glad they don't give birthday presents like that.

75But she did not venture to say it out loud.

76Thinking again.

77The Duchess asked with another dig of her sharp little chin.

78I've a right to think.

79Said Alice sharply, for she was beginning to feel a little worried.

80Just about as much right.

81Said the Duchess.

82As pigs have to fly.

83And the m- But here, to Alice's great surprise, the Duchess's voice died away, even in the middle of her favorite word, moral.

84And the arm that was linked into hers began to tremble.

85Alice looked up, and there stood the Queen in front of them, with her arms folded, frowning like a thunderstorm.

86If I'm telling your majesty.

87The Duchess began in a low, weak voice.

88Now I give you fair warning.

89Shouted the Queen, stamping on the ground as she spoke.

90Either you or your head must be off.

91And that in about half no time.

92Take your choice.

93The Duchess took her choice, and was gone in a moment.

94Let's go on with the game.

95The Queen said to Alice, and Alice was too much frightened to say a word, but slowly followed her back to the croquet ground.

96The other guests had taken advantage of the Queen's absence, and were resting in the shade.

97However, the moment they saw her, they hurried back to the game, the Queen merely remarking that a moment's delay would cost them their lives.

98All the time they were playing, the Queen never left off quarrelling with the other players and shouting, Off with his head!

99Or Off with her head!

100Those whom she sentenced were taken into custody by the soldiers, who of course had to leave off being archers to do this, so that by the end of half an hour or so there were no archers left, and all the players, except the King, the Queen, and Alice, were in custody and under sentence of execution.

101Then the Queen left off, quite out of breath, and said to Alice, Have you seen the mock turtle yet?

102No.

103No.

104Said Alice.

105I don't even know what a mock turtle is.

106It's the thing mock turtle soup is made from.

107Said the Queen.

108I never saw one.

109Or heard of one.

110Said Alice.

111Come on, then.

112Said the Queen.

113And he shall tell you his history.

114As they walked off together, Alice heard the King say in a low voice to the company generally, You are all pardoned.

115Come, that's a good thing.

116She said to herself, for she had felt quite unhappy at the number of executions the Queen had ordered.

117They very soon came upon a griffin lying fast asleep in the sun.

118If you don't know what a griffin is, look at the picture.

119A lazy thing.

120Said the Queen.

121And take this young lady to see the mock turtle, and to hear his history.

122I must go back and see after some executions I have ordered.

123And she walked off, leaving Alice alone with the griffin.

124Alice did not quite like the look of the creature, but on the hall she thought it would be quite as safe to stay with it as to go after that savage Queen.

125So she waited.

126The griffin sat up and rubbed its eyes.

127Then it watched the Queen till she was out of sight.

128Then it chuckled.

129What fun!

130Said the griffin, half to itself, half to Alice.

131What is the fun?

132Said Alice.

133Why, she?

134Said the griffin.

135It's all her fancy, but they never executes nobody, you know.

136Come on.

137Everybody says, come on, here.

138Thought Alice as she went slowly after it.

139I never was so ordered about in all my life.

140Never.

141They had not gone far before they saw the mock turtle in the distance, sitting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock.

142And as they came nearer, Alice could hear him sighing as if his heart would break.

143She pitied him deeply.

144What is his sorrow?

145She asked the griffin, and the griffin answered very nearly in the same words as before.

146It's all his fancy, that.

147He hasn't got no sorrow, you know.

148Come on.

149So they went up to the mock turtle, who looked at them with large eyes full of tears, but said nothing.

150This here young lady, said the griffin, she wants for to know your history, she do.

151I'll tell it her, said the mock turtle in a deep, hollow tone.

152Sit down, both of you, and don't speak a word till I've finished.

153So they sat down, and nobody spoke for some minutes.

154Alice thought to herself, I don't see how he can even finish, if he doesn't begin.

155But she waited patiently.

156Once, said the mock turtle at last, with a deep sigh.

157I was a real turtle.

158These words were followed by a very long silence, broken only by an occasional exclamation of, from the griffin, and the constant heavy sobbing of the mock turtle.

159Alice was very nearly getting up and saying, Thank you, sir, for your interesting story.

160But she could not help thinking there must be more to come.

161So she sat still, and said nothing.

162When we were little, The mock turtle went on at last, more calmly, though still sobbing a little now and then.

163We went to school in the sea.

164The master was an old turtle.

165We used to call him Tortoise.

166Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn't one?

167Alice asked.

168We called him Tortoise, because he taught us, said the mock turtle angrily.

169Really, you are very dull.

170You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question, added the griffin, and then they both sat silent and looked at poor Alice, who felt ready to sink into the earth.

171At last the griffin said to the mock turtle, Drive on, old fellow.

172Don't be all day about it.

173And he went on in these words.

174Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you mayn't believe it.

175I never said I didn't, interrupted Alice.

176You did, said the mock turtle.

177Hold your tongue, added the griffin before Alice could speak again.

178The mock turtle went on.

179We had the best of educations.

180In fact, we went to school every day.

181I've been to a day school, too, said Alice.

182You needn't be so proud as all that.

183With extras?

184Asked the mock turtle a little anxiously.

185Yes, said Alice.

186We learned French and music.

187And washing?

188Said the mock turtle.

189Certainly not.

190Said Alice indignantly.

191Ah, then yours wasn't a really good school.

192Said the mock turtle in a tone of great relief.

193Now, at hours, they had, at the end of the bill, French, music, and washing, extra.

194You couldn't have wanted it much.

195Said Alice.

196Living at the bottom of the sea.

197I couldn't afford to learn it.

198Said the mock turtle with a sigh.

199I only took the regular course.

200What was that?

201Inquired Alice.

202Reeling and writhing, of course, to begin with.

203The mock turtle replied.

204And then the different branches of arithmetic.

205Ambition, distraction, uglification, and derision.

206I never heard of uglification.

207Alice ventured to say.

208What is it?

209The griffon lifted up both its paws in surprise.

210What?

211Never heard of uglifying?

212It exclaimed.

213You know what to beautify is, I suppose?

214Yes.

215Said Alice doubtfully.

216It means to make anything prettier.

217Well, then.

218The griffon went on.

219If you don't know what to uglify is, you are a simpleton.

220Alice did not feel encouraged to ask any more questions about it.

221So she turned to the mock turtle and said.

222What else had you to learn?

223Well, there was mystery.

224The mock turtle replied, counting off the subject on his flappers.

225Mystery.

226Mystery.

227Mystery.

228Ancient and modern.

229With seography.

230Then drawling.

231The drawling master was an old conger eel that used to come once a week.

232He taught us drawling, stretching, and fainting in coils.

233What was that like?

234Said Alice.

235Well, I can't show it you myself.

236The mock turtle said.

237I'm too stiff, and the griffon never learnt it.

238Hadn't I?

239Said the griffon.

240I went to the classics master, though.

241He was an old crab, he was.

242I never went to him.

243The mock turtle said with a sigh.

244He taught laughing and grief, they used to say.

245So he did.

246So he did.

247Said the griffon, sighing in his turn, and both creatures hid their faces in their paws.

248And how many hours a day did you do lessons?

249Said Alice, in a hurry to change the subject.

250Ten hours the first day.

251Said the mock turtle.

252Nine the next, and so on.

253What a curious plan.

254Exclaimed Alice.

255That's the reason they're called lessons.

256The griffon remarked.

257Because they lesson from day to day.

258This was quite a new idea to Alice, and she thought it over a little before she made her next remark.

259Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday.

260Of course it was.

261Said the mock turtle.

262And how did you manage on the twelfth?

263Alice went on eagerly.

264That's enough about lesson.

265The griffon interrupted in a very decided tone.

266Tell us something about the games now.

267End of chapter 9