In the Attic (A Little Princess)

01Chapter 8.

02In the Attic The first night she spent in her attic was a thing Sarah never forgot.

03During its passing she lived through a wild, unchildlike woe of which she never spoke to any one about her.

04There was no one who would have understood.

05It was indeed well for her that as she lay awake in the darkness her mind was forcibly distracted now and then by the strangeness of her surroundings.

06It was perhaps well for her that she was reminded by her small body of material things.

07If this had not been so, the anguish of her young mind might have been too great for a child to bear.

08But really, while the night was passing, she scarcely knew that she had a body at all, or remembered any other thing than one.

09My papa is dead, she kept whispering to herself.

10My papa is dead.

11It was not until long afterward that she realized that her bed had been so hard that she turned over and over in it to find a place to rest, that the darkness seemed more intense than any she had ever known, and that the wind howled over the roof among the chimneys like something which wailed aloud.

12Then there was something worse.

13This was certain scufflings and scratchings and squeakings in the walls behind the skirting boards.

14She knew what they meant, because Becky had described them.

15They meant rats and mice, who were either fighting with each other or playing together.

16Once or twice she even heard sharp-toed feet scurrying across the floor, and she remembered in those after-days, when she recalled things, that when first she heard them she started up in bed and sat trembling, and when she lay down again covered her head with the bedclothes.

17The change in her life did not come about gradually, but was made all at once.

18She must begin as she is to go on, Miss Minchin said to Miss Amelia.

19She must be taught at once what she is to expect.

20Mariette had left the house the next morning.

21The glimpse Sarah caught of her sitting-room as she passed its open door, showed her that everything had been changed.

22Her ornaments and luxuries had been removed, and a bed had been placed in a corner to transform it into a new pupil's bedroom.

23When she went down to breakfast, she saw that her seat at Miss Minchin's side was occupied by Lavinia, and Miss Minchin spoke to her coldly.

24"'You will begin your new duties, Sarah,' she said, by taking your seat with the younger children at a smaller table.

25You must keep them quiet, and see that they behave well, and do not waste their food.

26You ought to have been down earlier.

27Lottie has already upset her tea.' That was the beginning.

28And from day to day the duties given to her were added to.

29She taught the younger children French, and heard their other lessons, and these were the least of her labors.

30It was found that she could be made use of in numberless directions.

31She could be sent on errands at any time, and in all weathers.

32She could be told to do things other people neglected.

33The cook and the housemaids took their tone from Miss Minchin, and rather enjoyed ordering about the young one who had been made so much fuss over for so long.

34They were not servants of the best class, and had neither good manners nor good tempers, and it was frequently convenient to have at hand someone on whom blame could be laid.

35During the first month or two, Sarah thought that her willingness to do things as well as she could, and her silence under reproof, might soften those who drove her so hard.

36In her proud little heart she wanted them to see that she was trying to earn her living, and not accepting charity.

37But the time came when she saw that no one was softened at all, and the more willing she was to do as she was told, the more domineering and exacting careless housemates became, and the more ready a scolding cook was to blame her.

38If she had been older, Miss Minchin would have given her the bigger girls to teach, and saved money by dismissing an instructress.

39But while she remained and looked like a child, she could be made more useful as a sort of little superior errand-girl, and made of all work.

40An ordinary errand-boy would not have been so clever and reliable.

41Sarah could be trusted with difficult commissions and complicated messages.

42She could even go and pay bills.

43And she combined with this the ability to dust a room well, and to set things in order.

44Her own lessons became things of the past.

45She was taught nothing, and only after long and busy days spent in running here and there at everybody's orders was she grudgingly allowed to go into the deserted schoolroom with a pile of old books, and study alone at night.

46If I do not remind myself of the things I have learned, perhaps I may forget them, she said to herself.

47I am almost a scullery-maid, and if I am a scullery-maid who knows nothing, I shall be like poor Becky.

48I wonder if I could quite forget, and begin to drop my H's, and not remember that Henry VIII had six wives.

49One of the most curious things in her new existence was her changed position among the pupils.

50Instead of being a sort of small royal personage among them, she no longer seemed to be one of their number at all.

51She was kept so constantly at work, that she scarcely ever had an opportunity of speaking to any of them, and she could not avoid seeing that Miss Minchin preferred that she should live a life apart from that of the occupants of the schoolroom.

52I will not have her forming intimacies and talking to the other children, that lady said.

53Girls like a grievance, and if she begins to tell romantic stories about herself, she will become an ill-used heroine, and parents will be given a wrong impression.

54It is better that she should live a separate life, one suited to her circumstances.

55I am giving her a home, and that is more than she has any right to expect from me." Sarah did not expect much, and was far too proud to try to continue to be intimate with girls who, evidently, felt rather awkward and uncertain about her.

56The fact was that Miss Minchin's pupils were a set of dull, matter-of-fact young people.

57They were accustomed to being rich and comfortable, and as Sarah's frocks grew shorter and shabbier and queerer-looking, and it became an established fact that she wore shoes with holes in them, and was sent out to buy groceries and carry them through the streets in a basket on her arm, when the cook wanted them in a hurry, they felt rather as if, when they spoke to her, they were addressing an underservant.

58"'To think that she was the girl with the diamond mines,' Lavinia commented, "'she does look an object.

59And she's queerer than ever.

60I never liked her much.

61But I can't bear that way she has now of looking at people without speaking, just as if she was finding them out.' "'I am,' said Sarah promptly, when she heard of this.

62"'That's what I look at some people for.

63I like to know about them.

64I think them over afterward.' The truth was that she had saved herself annoyance several times by keeping her eye on Lavinia, who was quite ready to make mischief, and would have been rather pleased to have made it for the ex-show pupil.

65Sarah never made any mischief herself, or interfered with any one.

66She worked like a drudge.

67She tramped through the wet streets, carrying parcels and baskets, she laboured with the childish inattention of the little one's French lessons.

68As she became shabbier and more forlorn-looking, she was told that she had better take her meals downstairs.

69She was treated as if she was nobody's concern, and her heart grew proud and sore, but she never told any one what she felt.

70"'Soldiers don't complain,' she would say between her small, shut teeth.

71"'I am not going to do it.

72I will pretend this is part of a war.' But there were hours when her child heart might almost have broken with loneliness, but for three people.

73The first, it must be owned, was Becky—just Becky.

74Throughout all that first night spent in the garret, she had felt a vague comfort in knowing that on the other side of the wall, in which the rats scuffled and squeaked, there was another young human creature.

75And during the nights that followed, the sense of comfort grew.

76They had little chance to speak to each other during the day.

77Each had her own tasks to perform, and any attempt at conversation would have been regarded as a tendency to loiter and lose time.

78"'Don't mind me, miss,' whispered Becky, during the first morning, "'if I don't say nothing polite.

79Someone'd be down on us if I did.

80I means please and thank you and beg pardon, but I dassn't take time to say it.' But before daybreak, she used to slip into Sarah's attic and button her dress and give her such help as she required before she went downstairs to light the kitchen fire.

81And when night came, Sarah always heard the humble knock at her door, which meant that her handmaid was ready to help her again if she was needed.

82During the first weeks of her grief, Sarah felt as if she were too stupefied to talk.

83So it happened that some time passed before they saw each other much or exchanged visits.

84Becky's heart told her that it was best that people in trouble should be left alone.

85The second of the trio of comforters was Ermengarde.

86But odd things happened before Ermengarde found her place.

87When Sarah's mind seemed to awaken again to the life about her, she realised that she had forgotten that an Ermengarde lived in the world.

88The two had always been friends, but Sarah had felt as if she were years the older.

89It could not be contested that Ermengarde was as dull as she was affectionate.

90She clung to Sarah in a simple, helpless way.

91She brought her lessons to her, that she might be helped.

92She listened to her every word, and besieged her with requests for stories.

93But she had nothing interesting to say herself, and she loathed books of every description.

94She was, in fact, not a person one would remember when one was caught in the storm of a great trouble.

95And Sarah forgot her.

96It had been all the easier to forget her, because she had been suddenly called home for a few weeks.

97When she came back she did not see Sarah for a day or two, and when she met her for the first time, she encountered her coming down a corridor with her arms full of garments which were to be taken downstairs to be mended.

98Sarah herself had already been taught to mend them.

99She looked pale and unlike herself, and she was attired in the queer, outgrown frock whose shortness showed so much thin, black leg.

100Ermengarde was too slow a girl to be equal to such a situation.

101She could not think of anything to say.

102She knew what had happened, but somehow she had never imagined Sarah could look like this—so odd and poor, and almost like a servant.

103It made her quite miserable, and she could do nothing but break into a short, hysterical laugh and exclaim, aimlessly and as if without any meaning, "'Oh, Sarah!

104Is that you?' "'Yes,' answered Sarah, and suddenly a strange thought passed through her mind and made her face flush.

105She held the pile of garments in her arms, and her chin rested upon the top of it to keep it steady.

106Something in the look of her straight, gazing eyes made Ermengarde lose her wits still more.

107She felt as if Sarah had changed into a new kind of girl, and she had never known her before.

108Perhaps it was because she had suddenly grown poor, and had to mend things and work like Becky.

109"'Oh!' she stammered.

110"'How—how—how are you?' "'I don't know,' Sarah replied.

111"'How are you?' "'I'm—I'm quite well,' said Ermengarde, overwhelmed with shyness.

112Then, spasmodically, she thought of something to say which seemed more intimate.

113"'Are you—are you very unhappy?' she said in a rush.

114Then Sarah was guilty of an injustice.

115Just at that moment her torn heart swelled within her, and she felt that if any one was as stupid as that, one had better get away from her.

116"'What do you think?' she said.

117"'Do you think I am very happy?' And she marched past her without another word.

118In course of time she realised that if her wretchedness had not made her forget things, she would have known that poor, dull Ermengarde was not to be blamed for her unready, awkward ways.

119She was always awkward, and the more she felt, the more stupid she was given to being.

120But the sudden thought which had flashed upon her had made her oversensitive.

121"'She is like the others,' she had thought.

122"'She does not really want to talk to me.

123She knows no one does.' So for several weeks a barrier stood between them.

124When they met by chance Sarah looked the other way, and Ermengarde felt too stiff and embarrassed to speak.

125Sometimes they nodded to each other in passing, but there were times when they did not even exchange a greeting.

126"'If she would rather not talk to me,' Sarah thought, "'I will keep out of her way.

127Miss Minchin makes that easy enough.' Miss Minchin made it so easy that at last they scarcely saw each other at all.

128At that time it was noticed that Ermengarde was more stupid than ever, and that she looked listless and unhappy.

129She used to sit in the window-seat, huddled in a heap, and stare out of the window without speaking.

130Once Jessie, who was passing, stopped to look at her curiously.

131"'What are you crying for, Ermengarde?' she asked.

132"'I'm not crying,' answered Ermengarde, in a muffled, unsteady voice.

133"'You are,' said Jessie.

134"'A great big tear just rolled down the bridge of your nose and dropped off at the end of it.

135And there goes another.' "'Well,' said Ermengarde, "'I'm miserable, and no one need interfere.' And she turned her plump back and took out her handkerchief and boldly hid her face in it.

136That night, when Sarah went to her attic, she was later than usual.

137She had been kept at work until after the hour at which the pupils went to bed, and after that she had gone to her lessons in the lonely schoolroom.

138When she reached the top of the stairs, she was surprised to see a glimmer of light coming from under the attic door.

139"'Nobody goes there but myself,' she thought quickly.

140"'But someone has lighted a candle.' "'Someone had, indeed, lighted a candle, and it was not burning in the kitchen candlestick she was expected to use, but in one of those belonging to the pupils' bedrooms.

141The someone was sitting upon the battered footstool, and was dressed in her nightgown and wrapped up in a red shawl.

142It was Ermengarde.' "'Ermengarde!' cried Sarah.

143She was so startled that she was almost frightened.

144"'You will get into trouble!' Ermengarde stumbled up from her footstool.

145She shuffled across the attic in her bedroom slippers, which were too large for her.

146Her eyes and nose were pink with crying.

147"'I know I shall, if I'm found out,' she said.

148"'But I don't care.

149I don't care a bit.

150Oh, Sarah, please tell me.

151What is the matter?

152Why don't you like me any more?' Something in her voice made the familiar lump rise in Sarah's throat.

153It was so affectionate and simple, so like the old Ermengarde who had asked her to be best friends.

154It sounded as if she had not meant what she had seemed to me during these past weeks.

155"'I do like you,' Sarah answered.

156"'I thought—'!

157You see, everything is different now.

158I thought you were different.' Ermengarde opened her wet eyes wide.

159"'Why, it was you who were different,' she cried.

160"'You didn't want to talk to me.

161I didn't know what to do.

162It was you who were different after I came back.' Sarah thought a moment.

163She saw she had made a mistake.

164"'I am different,' she explained, "'though not in the way you think.

165Miss Minchin does not want me to talk to the girls.

166Most of them don't want to talk to me.

167I thought perhaps you didn't.

168So I tried to keep out of your way.' "'Oh, Sarah!' Ermengarde almost wailed in her reproachful dismay.

169And then, after one more look, they rushed into each other's arms.

170It must be confessed that Sarah's small black head lay for some minutes on the shoulder covered by the red shawl.

171When Ermengarde had seemed to desert her, she had felt horribly lonely.

172Afterward they sat down upon the floor together, Sarah clasping her knees with her arms, and Ermengarde rolled up in her shawl.

173Ermengarde looked at the odd, big-eyed little face adoringly.

174"'I couldn't bear it any more,' she said.

175"'I dare say you could live without me, Sarah, but I couldn't live without you.

176I was nearly dead.

177So to-night, when I was crying under the bedclothes, I thought all at once of creeping up here and just begging you to let us be friends again.' "'You're nicer than I am,' said Sarah.

178"'I was too proud to try and make friends.

179You see, now that trials have come, they have shown that I am not a nice child.

180I was afraid they would.' "'Perhaps,' wrinkling her forehead wisely, "'that is what they were sent for.' "'I don't see any good in them,' said Ermengarde stoutly.

181"'Neither do I, to speak the truth,' admitted Sarah, frankly.

182"'But I suppose there might be good in things, even if we don't see it.' "'There might,' doubtfully, "'be good in Miss Minchin.' Ermengarde looked round the attic with a rather fearsome curiosity.

183"'Sarah,' she said, "'do you think you can bear living here?' Sarah looked round also.

184"'If I pretend it's quite different, I can,' she answered, "'or if I pretend it is a place and a story.' She spoke slowly.

185Her imagination was beginning to work for her.

186It had not worked for her at all, since her troubles had come upon her.

187She had felt as if it had been stunned.

188"'Other people have lived in worse places.

189Think of the Count of Monte Cristo in the dungeons of the Chateau d'If, and think of the people in the Bastille.' "'The Bastille!' half-whispered Ermengarde, watching her and beginning to be fascinated.

190She remembered stories of the French Revolution, which Sarah had been able to fix in her mind by her dramatic relation of them.

191No one but Sarah could have done it.

192A well-known glow came into Sarah's eyes.

193"'Yes,' she said, hugging her knees.

194"'That will be a good place to pretend about.

195I am a prisoner in the Bastille.

196I have been here for years and years and years, and everybody has forgotten about me.

197Miss Minchin is the jailer, and Becky,' a sudden light adding itself to the glow in her eyes, "'Becky is the prisoner in the next cell.' She turned to Ermengarde, looking quite like the old Sarah.

198"'I shall pretend that,' she said, "'and it will be a great comfort.' Ermengarde was at once enraptured and awed.

199"'And will you tell me all about it?' she said.

200"'May I creep up here at night, whenever it is safe, and hear the things you have made up in the day?

201It will seem as if we were more best friends than ever.' "'Yes,' answered Sarah, nodding.

202"'Adversity tries people, and mine has tried you and proved how nice you are.' "'End of chapter 8.'