Chapter 01 (Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)

01THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FENN NOTICE Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted.

02Persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished.

03Persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.

04By order of the author, per G.G., Chief of Ordnance.

05EXPLANATORY In this book a number of dialects are used, to wit, the Missouri Negro dialect, the extremist form of the backwoods southwestern dialect, the ordinary Pike County dialect, and four modified varieties of this last.

06The shadings have not been done in a haphazard fashion or by guesswork, but painstakingly, and with a trustworthy guidance and support of personal familiarity with these several forms of speech.

07I make this explanation for the reason that, without it, many readers would suppose that all these characters were trying to talk alike and not succeeding.

08THE AUTHOR HUCKLEBERRY FENN THE THINGS WHICH HE STRETCHED, BUT MAINLY HE TOLD THE TRUTH.

09THAT IS NOTHING.

10I NEVER SEEN ANYBODY BUT LIED ONE TIME OR ANOTHER, WHETHOUT IT WAS ANT POLLY, OR THE WIDOW, OR MAYBE MARY.

11ANT POLLY, TOM'S ANT POLLY SHE IS, AND MARY, AND THE WIDOW DOUGLAS IS ALL TOLD ABOUT IN THAT BOOK, WHICH IS MOSTLY A TRUE BOOK, WITH SOME STRETCHERS, AS I SAID BEFORE.

12NOW THE WAY THAT BOOK WINDS UP IS THIS.

13TOM AND ME FOUND THE MONEY THAT THE ROBBERS HIT IN THE CAVE, AND IT MADE US RICH.

14WE GOT SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS APIECE.

15ALL GOLD.

16IT WAS AN AWFUL SIGHT OF MONEY WHEN IT WAS PILED UP.

17WELL, JUDGE THATCHER, HE TOOK IT AND PUT IT OUT AT INTEREST, AND IT FETCHED US A DOLLAR A DAY APIECE.

18ALL THE YEAR ROUND.

19MORE THAN A BODY COULD TELL WHAT TO DO WITH.

20THE WIDOW DOUGLAS, SHE TOOK ME FOR HER SON, AND ALLOWED SHE WOULD CIVILIZE ME.

21BUT IT WAS ROUGH LIVING IN THE HOUSE ALL THE TIME, CONSIDERING HOW DISMAL REGULAR AND DECENT THE WIDOW WAS IN ALL HER WAYS.

22AND SO WHEN I COULDN'T STAND IT NO LONGER I LIT OUT.

23I GOT INTO MY OLD RAGS AND MY SUGAR HOGSHEAD AGAIN, AND WAS FREE AND SATISFIED.

24BUT TOM SAWYER, HE HUNTED ME UP AND SAID HE WAS GOING TO START A BAND OF ROBBERS, AND I MIGHT JOIN, IF I WOULD GO BACK TO THE WIDOW AND BE RESPECTABLE.

25SO I WENT BACK.

26THE WIDOW SHE CRIED OVER ME, CALLED ME A POOR LOST LAMB, AND SHE CALLED ME A LOT OF OTHER NAMES TOO, BUT SHE NEVER MENT NO HARM BY IT.

27SHE PUT ME IN THEM NEW CLOTHES AGAIN, AND I COULDN'T DO NOTHING BUT SWEAT AND SWEAT AND FEEL ALL CRAMPED UP.

28WELL THEN, THE OLD THING COMMENCED AGAIN.

29THE WIDOW RUNG A BELL FOR SUPPER, AND YOU HAD A COME TO TIME.

30WHEN YOU GOT TO THE TABLE YOU COULDN'T GO RIGHT TO EATIN', BUT YOU HAD TO WAIT FOR THE WIDOW TO TUCK DOWN HER HEAD AND GRUMBLE A LITTLE OVER THE VICTUALS, THOUGH THERE WANN'T REALLY ANYTHING THE MATTER WITH THEM.

31THAT IS, NOTHING, ONLY EVERYTHING WAS COOKED BY ITSELF.

32IN A BAREL OF ODDS AND ENDS IT IS DIFFERENT.

33THINGS GET MIXED UP, AND THE JUICE KIND OF SWAPS AROUND, AND THE THINGS GO BETTER.

34AFTER SUPPER SHE GOT OUT HER BOOK AND LEARNED ME ABOUT MOSES AND THE BULL RUSHERS, AND I WAS IN A SWEAT TO FIND OUT ALL ABOUT HIM.

35BUT BY AND BY SHE LET IT OUT THAT MOSES HAD BEEN DEAD A CONSIDERABLE LONG TIME.

36SO THEN I DIDN'T CARE NO MORE ABOUT HIM, CAUSE I DON'T TAKE NO STOCK IN DEAD PEOPLE.

37PRETTY SOON I WANTED TO SMOKE, AND ASKED THE WIDDER TO LET ME.

38BUT SHE WOULDN'T.

39SHE SAID IT WAS A MEAN PRACTICE AND WASN'T CLEAN, AND I MUST TRY TO NOT DO IT ANY MORE.

40THAT IS JUST THE WAY WITH SOME PEOPLE.

41THEY GET DOWN ON A THING WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT IT.

42HERE SHE WAS, BOTHERING ABOUT MOSES, WHICH WAS NO KIN TO HER, AND NO USE TO ANYBODY, BEING GONE, YOU SEE, YET FINDING A POWER OF FAULT WITH ME FOR DOING A THING THAT HAD SOME GOOD IN IT.

43AND SHE TOOK SNUFF, TOO.

44OF COURSE THAT WAS ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE SHE DONE IT HERSELF.

45HER SISTER, MISS WATSON, A TOLERBLE SLIM OLD MAID WITH GOGGLES ON, HAD JUST COME TO LIVE WITH HER, AND TOOK A SET AT ME NOW WITH A SPELLING-BOOK.

46SHE WORKED ME MIDDLING HARD FOR ABOUT AN HOUR, AND THEN THE WIDOW MADE HER EASE UP.

47I COULDN'T HAVE STOOD IT MUCH LONGER.

48THEN FOR AN HOUR IT WAS DEADLY DULL, AND I WAS FIDGETTY.

49MISS WATSON WOULD SAY, DON'T PUT YOUR FEET UP THERE, HUCKLEBERRY, AND DON'T SCRUNCH UP LIKE THAT HUCKLEBERRY, SET UP STRAIGHT.

50AND PRETTY SOON SHE WOULD SAY, DON'T GAP AND STRETCH LIKE THAT, HUCKLEBERRY, WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO BEHAVE?

51THEN SHE TOLD ME ALL ABOUT THE BAD PLACE.

52AND I SAID I WISHED I WAS THERE.

53SHE GOT MAD THEN.

54BUT I DIDN'T MEAN NO HARM.

55ALL I WANTED WAS TO GO SOMEWHERE.

56ALL I WANTED WAS A CHANGE.

57I WEREN'T PARTICULAR.

58SHE SAID IT WAS WICKED TO SAY WHAT I SAID.

59SAID SHE WOULDN'T SAY IT FOR THE WHOLE WORLD.

60SHE WAS GONNA LIVE SO AS TO GO TO THE GOOD PLACE.

61WELL, I COULDN'T SEE NO ADVANTAGE IN GOING WHERE SHE WAS GOING, SO I MADE UP MY MIND I WOULDN'T TRY FOR IT.

62BUT I NEVER SAID SO, BECAUSE IT WOULD ONLY MAKE TROUBLE, AND WOULDN'T DO NO GOOD.

63NOW SHE HAD GOT A START, AND SHE WENT ON AND TOLD ME ALL ABOUT THE GOOD PLACE.

64SHE SAID ALL THE BODY WOULD HAVE TO DO THERE WAS TO GO ROUND ALL DAY LONG WITH A HARP AND SING FOREVER AND EVER.

65SO I DIDN'T THINK MUCH OF IT.

66BUT I NEVER SAID SO.

67I ASKED HER IF SHE RECKONED TOM SAUYER WOULD GO THERE, AND SHE SAID NOT BY A CONSIDERABLE SIGHT.

68I WAS GLAD ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE I WANTED HIM AND ME TO BE TOGETHER.

69MISS WATSON, SHE KEPT PACKING AT ME, AND IT GOT TIRE-SOME AND LONESOME.

70BY AND BY THEY FETCHED THE NIGGERS IN AND HAD PRAYERS, AND THEN EVERYBODY WAS OFF TO BED.

71I WENT UP TO MY ROOM WITH A PIECE OF CANDLE AND PUT IT ON THE TABLE.

72THEN I SAT DOWN IN A CHAIR BY THE WINDOW AND TRIED TO THINK OF SOMETHING CHEERFUL, BUT IT WARN'T NO USE.

73I FELT SO LONESOME I MOST WISHED I WAS DEAD.

74THE STARS WERE SHINING, AND THE LEAVES RUSSLED IN THE WOODS EVER SO MOURNFUL, AND I HEARD AN OWL AWAY OFF, HOO-HOO-ING ABOUT SOMEBODY THAT WAS DEAD, AND A WHIPPERWEEL AND A DOG CRYING ABOUT SOMEBODY THAT WAS GOING TO DIE.

75AND THE WIND WAS TRYING TO WHISPER SOMETHING TO ME, AND I COULDN'T MAKE OUT WHAT IT WAS, AND SO IT MADE THE COLD SHIVERS RUN ALL OVER ME.

76THEN AWAY OUT IN THE WOODS I HEARD THAT KIND OF A SOUND THAT A GHOST MAKES WHEN IT WANTS TO TELL ABOUT SOMETHING THAT'S ON ITS MIND, AND CAN'T MAKE ITSELF UNDERSTOOD, AND SO CAN'T REST EASY IN ITS GRAVE, AND HAS TO GO ABOUT THAT WAY EVERY NIGHT GRIEVING.

77I GOT SO DOWNHEARTED AND SCARED I DID WISH I HAD SOME COMPANY.

78PRETTY SOON A SPIDER WENT CRAWLING UP MY SHOULDER, AND I FLIPPED IT OFF AND IT LIT IN THE CANDLE, AND BEFORE I COULD BUDGE IT WAS ALL SHRIVELLED UP.

79I DIDN'T NEED ANYBODY TO TELL ME THAT THAT WAS AN AWFUL BAD SIGN AND WOULD FETCH ME SOME BAD LUCK, SO I WAS SCARED AND MOST SHOOK THE CLOTHES OFF OF ME.

80I GOT UP AND TURNED AROUND IN MY TRACKS THREE TIMES AND CROSSED MY BREAST EVERY TIME, AND THEN I TIDED UP A LITTLE LOCK IN MY HAIR WITH A THREAD TO KEEP WITCHES AWAY.

81BUT I HAD NO CONFIDENCE.

82YOU DO THAT WHEN YOU'VE LOST A HORSE SHOOE THAT YOU'VE FOUND, INSTEAD OF NAILING IT OVER THE DOOR.

83BUT I HADN'T EVER HEARD ANYBODY SAY IT WAS ANY WAY TO KEEP OFF BAD LUCK WHEN YOU KILLED A SPIDER.

84I SET DOWN AGAIN, A SHAKING ALL OVER, AND GOT OUT MY PIPE FOR A SMOKE, FOR THE HOUSE WAS ALL AS STILL AS DEATH NOW, AND SO THE WIDOW WOULDN'T KNOW.

85WELL AFTER A LONG TIME I HEARD THE CLOCK AWAY OFF FROM THE TOWN GO BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, TWELVE LICKS, AND ALL STILL AGAIN, STILLER THAN EVER.

86PRETTY SOON I HEARD A TWIG SNAP DOWN IN THE DARK AMONGST THE TREES.

87SOMETHING WAS A-STIRRIN'.

88I SET STILL AND LISTENED.

89DIRECTLY I COULD JUST BARELY HEAR A ME-OW, ME-OW DOWN THERE.

90THAT WAS GOOD.

91SAYS I, ME-OW, ME-OW, AS SOFT AS I COULD.

92AND THEN I PUT OUT THE LIGHT AND SCRAMBLED OUT OF THE WINDOW ONTO THE SHED.

93THEN I SLIPPED DOWN TO THE GROUND AND CRAWLED IN AMONG THE TREES, AND SURE ENOUGH THERE WAS TOM SOYER WAITING FOR ME.

94END OF CHAPTER